It was a bigger school though too so things got used more, worn out faster. That said, there were more options off campus if you wanted them.
[If, say, you needed to not let people see just how hard you were working. It meant he did spend a fair amount of time off campus training, something he hasn't really admitted much.
Sousuke looks over at Tachibana when he mentions Rin. He's quiet for a long moment--it's not Tachibana's fault--but he does eventually answer.]
I'll make sure he knows, but he's already pretty happy here.
[It sounds heavier than he means for it to but the way he turns and faces forward again might betray that there's authentic sentiment in that statement. Embarrassing, letting on how important Rin's happiness is to him to the person most responsible for it.]
It seems like a social centre as much as an athletic one sometimes, yeah. [Pause. Still looking forward.] Rin's probably happy about that too.
[he nods alongside the words sousuke provides makoto with, a small glimpse of what it's like in a big city like tokyo in contrast to small and quiet iwatobi.]
I read something like that on the pamphlets for Tokyo U. There's a lot of options outside of campus, so the city itself also offers opportunities for training and studying...
[it's a topic he's excited about. moving forward towards the future.]
[(which, in retrospect, might be unfair to sousuke)]
[and since things seem stable, even with rin a nuclear topic of their conversation, makoto tests waters.]
You know he likes to have control of things, so the sports centre has helped him feel balanced about it. I mean, he hasn't said it, but it's the impression I get. He used to have a harder time when he was first starting to get this place up and running.
[An affirmative sound followed by, predictably, another pause. It's tempting to continue this line of conversation--Tokyo's a comfortable topic, that part of his life is over--but talking about university means the future.]
Yeah, there's a lot going on.
[MOVING ON.
Rin is easier, at least talking like this. Rin's controlling tendencies, his struggles when he's not immediately the best at something... that stuff's timeless.]
Probably. He's happy here so something much be going right and he always does better when he has a project.
I think surrounding himself with other athletes really feeds him good vibes, especially since there isn't an international stage here. He struggled a lot for a couple of months, but... then a lot of people started showing up? Volleyball players, basketball players, and now baseball players... It gave him something to do. And, besides, seeing new faces from around Japan really helps put things into perspective.
[like learning how other teams manage themselves, or athletes with similar goals, even the familiarity of being in a team.]
[it's easier to feel better when you're not the only one who seems to be drowning from lack of purpose. hopefully sousuke, too, would at some point find something similar in this place. even if swimming is out of the question currently.]
And then, Gou came too. As did Nitori, and Momo. And now you're finally here. I think that motivates him the most.
[From Sousuke's point of view, his relationship with Makoto is his current project. Funny, that.]
He didn't mention keeping busy when we talked but he's got a way of making himself the center of things even if he still thinks he's being selfish.
[Only Rin would build a sports centre so he could keep chasing his dream while also making it possible for anyone else with an athletic dream to do so. Just because you don't see yourself as a magnetic leader doesn't mean you aren't one. And for people without athletic dreams, well, it's nice to have a place to work out still.
Sousuke's eyes find a fixed point somewhere on the wall in front of him before he replies.]
He was plenty motivated before I showed up.
[And as soon as he says it he regrets it so that's the end of his run. That was too much, he let himself get too comfortable and now he's feeling incredibly exposed to someone he's not sure he wants to ever be that open with. He stops the machine, grabs his water bottle and starts to go.]
[makoto moves out of the way as sousuke abruptly ends his workout on the treadmill. something inside his chest tightens, between worry and nervousness, because this is just something else that is too similar to their past conversations.]
[that is, ever since sousuke found out about makoto dating rin...]
So-Sousuke! Uhm, ah, I-- I realise you're unhappy with me. [makoto isn't stupid] And I just, get this terrible feeling that it's because of... Rin... I won't tell on you, if that's something you're worried about. I was just hoping we could, sort this out? If I did something, I want to apologise.
[he sounds unsure, but he also sounds determined in bringing up this topic]
[As soon as Tachibana starts to speak, Sousuke stops, but he doesn't look at him. Tachibana's a talker so maybe he can just let him talk for a minute and have this be over. That'd be the easiest thing.
So naturally that's not what happens.
Sousuke considers himself an honest guy. Lying to Rin about his future was the biggest lie he's ever told, and if it hadn't been for the reasons it was, he could never have done it. Other than that, Sousuke prides himself on not dealing in bullshit, but it makes situations like this hard. He could smooth it all over if he would just lie. 'Yes, you pissed me off, here's how, apologize.' But it's not that simple.
He looks over at Tachibana finally, looking more tired and resigned than angry. It always ends up like this. At least it was easy to stay angry at Nanase.]
You haven't done anything wrong and you don't have anything to apologize for.
[He knows he ought to follow that up with a bigger explanation for why he's behaving like this. For now, though, he simply doesn't. Retreating back to a place of honesty's given him a little bit of cover, too. Sousuke doesn't want to sacrifice that yet.]
[sousuke's words are sincere, but makoto doesn't buy it. he doesn't believe that there is nothing wrong, because something must be. they used to get along before, even before they were on first name basis, even if their interactions were minimal. and even so, when sousuke first arrived this time around, they were getting along fine.]
[the cold came abruptly, some time in between.]
[makoto tries reaching out with a hand, but ends up keeping it himself halfway through the motion, holding instead onto the front of his shirt, as if unsure on where to place himself.]
If I said anything, that... that implied your shoulder, or swimming, or... [he's shooting down at things he could have done to annoy sousuke with] I want to make things right...
[Sousuke just watches when Tachibana's hand starts to move forward. That'd be an extremely weird thing to have happen right now, but luckily he keeps his hands to himself. If anything, that's just another indication of how much time he's been spending with Rin. It's always about physical contact with Rin and Sousuke can navigate that with him because it's easier than words, but not here, not with Tachibana.
He can't help but be surprised when Tachibana asks if it's about his shoulder, though. Of all the things to land on as a possible source for this... If only it was that simple. His feelings about his shoulder and swimming in general are pretty straightforward at this point. That'd be easy.]
It's not that.
[Sousuke glances around. The room's empty except for the two of them but he still feels too defenseless and vulnerable here. Anybody could walk in. Rin could walk in.]
I'm not doing this here. If you want to know, come on.
[And he's walking, out the door and in the direction of the locker room. It's not really a better option but it's more familiar than being in here and he can keep a better eye on the door if he has to. Plus, it buys him time to figure out what, if any, kind of answer he's going to give.]
[if you want to know, is that even a question that needs asking? makoto nods and follows after--kind of understanding sousuke's desire to talk about this in a closed space. he's not scared that it will result in trouble, because despite sousuke's demeanour, he isn't one to inflict pain on others if he can help it. makoto has learnt that much, makoto has discovered that much.]
[he walks into the locker room after sousuke and waits for the door to close heavily behind him, as it usually does, and stops two steps inside, his mind going through everything that could be wrong between them.]
--are you sure about this, Sousuke?
[because, in the end, makoto is aware that some things are hard to put into words, and that perhaps by walking here, makoto has put more pressure onto a wound that has had no time to sear closed to stop the bleeding.]
[Sometimes Tachibana seems like he'd rather avoid conflict. He's always seemed like that to Sousuke, kind of mild, calming... a good balance against Rin, who can't help but let his emotions cause trouble. Sousuke doesn't want to think it, it just rises up, the comparison between the two of them and how well it works.
Once they're inside, Sousuke sits heavily on a bench where he can still see the door. The short walk didn't give him enough time to come up with anything other than the truth, but how is he going to make that make sense without completely exposing himself?]
No, I'm not.
[He'll have to see just how much Tachibana insists on knowing. Maybe it'll help to have some of this out; ever since talking to Rin it's felt like his skin doesn't quite fit. Everything feels wrong. This feeling is exactly what he worked so hard at home to escape from and now here it hit him harder than ever.
He's staring down at his hands, still trying to figure the words out.]
[in a situation like this, it's easy for makoto to separate himself from the equation. no matter who rin is to him, no matter what his relationship status with rin is, the question and the obvious conflict sousuke is going through--is about sousuke and rin.]
[makoto is, in a way, intruding.]
[which is why he stands awkwardly near a locker, not quite leaning against it, arms crossed in uncertainty.]
--I don't.
[which is why his words, though perhaps contradictory to what makoto has with rin, are genuinely sincere. it doesn't cross his mind that perhaps he should be angry at the insinuation, but truth holds on to the fact that whatever rin and sousuke have gone through it is completely different to what makoto knows; to what makoto has with haru, his best friend--to rin, his boyfriend.]
I can try to understand it if I look at what I have with Haru to what you have with Rin, but it isn't the same. [there are gaps in what makoto knows. he speaks softly, not raising his voice more than necessary, because this isn't about what makoto can put together--but about what sousuke can put into words.] You're... You're part of Rin's family.
[(and the compare and contrast doesn't become about rin and sousuke vs rin and makoto, but rather to what they have for best friends.)]
Anyone could tell that that in itself is really important to Rin. Anyone who really knows Rin and how he feels about family and friends would know just how important someone must be to be considered his family.
[but rin's family will never stop growing; that's a fact they all have to get used to. from lori and russell, to a father unforgotten who lies by the sea, to a mother and sister, to his samezuka team, iwatobi's team--to kotetsu and kaede, to the brother rin finds in sousuke, to those rin will compete and train with and will become his olympic family.]
[they all knew what they signed up for.]
[but what does it mean to sousuke, to be an important part of rin's nuclear family? it must be big.]
It's like that for you too, isn't it?
[a boy who seems well put together, but who seems so lonely in comparison. rin's family is big, but sousuke's is a quiet whisper of people who exist but don't actually colour nor shape his life as much as the matsuoka family does.]
[When he'd said it, Sousuke'd meant it in a general kind of way. He'd thought he could perhaps deflect Tachibana the same way he tried to deflect Nanase, under the guise of protecting Rin's future from people who could interrupt his plans for world domination. Rin is important, but Sousuke'd been careful to avoid stating that Rin was important to him specifically.
Of course, that didn't stop Tachibana. Whether he's too perceptive for his own good (for Sousuke's good) or whether he's just so single-minded that he turns everything into family, he hits extremely close to home. It's not that Sousuke doesn't appreciate his own parents but for as long as he could remember, the Matsuoka house and then later simply wherever Rin was, that was home. That meant without Rin, he ended up lonely, homeless, and unable to admit it because the only one he'd ever say so to was Rin himself.
That's not about to change today. Just because Tachibana's right--just because the thing Sousuke's the most afraid of in this is becoming irrelevant to Rin through the presence of so many important others--doesn't mean he's going to be able to tell him so. In fact, the accuracy of Tachibana's perception makes Sousuke recoil internally. There's a telling new stiffness in his shoulders but otherwise no real change as Makoto speaks. He certainly doesn't look up.]
Everybody leaves the nest eventually.
[He can't blame Tachibana or Rin or anybody for this, it's just the natural progress of time. People grow up, leave their family. Fly away.
Provided they've got two working wings, anyway. Sousuke wouldn't know about that.]
[is that what it is about, in the end? makoto might be too perceptive for sousuke, and even for himself. these are private thoughts, things that perhaps rin isn't halfway privy to, but through living with similar afflictions, makoto can understand so much from sousuke's words--deflective and general as he may want them to appear.]
...Rin's not planning a future without you.
[the words come out after some internal struggle, makoto unsure of whether it is his place to say this. all this started when sousuke found out makoto was dating rin. makoto feels empathetic, a cold pain coursing through him; it's just like when rin first came back from australia on their first year of high school and haru came back to 'life,' so to speak--despite the work that makoto was doing over the years to keep his best friend from floundering.]
He's not going to reach new heights without you.
[sousuke should know better, is what makoto thinks, because rin is never one to push others away if they're no longer "useful" to him. family is forever, and blood runs quicker in water. they've swam together for so long to be disconnected now.]
[and so makoto sighs.]
I'm... I'm always afraid Haru's going to go where I can't follow. Well--he kind of is, isn't he? With swimming competitively... I can't follow at his side...
[that feeling of being left behind, it's not uncommon. it's not specific to yamazaki sousuke--and it's something he needs to, know. he makes waters as murky as he wants them to be.]
[Sousuke runs his left hand up and through his hair, staring daggers at his sneakers. This conversation is turning out to be way too deep for him. He wants to jump up, declare the entire thing pointless, maybe back Makoto against the lockers before leaving because this is too much to talk about. This is too much to put into words.]
It doesn't matter what he's planning. He already has reached those heights. I'm too late again.
[And he bites off whatever else he was going say about Rin's time here because sure, that hasn't pushed him to new heights of athleticism but it has given Rin a space to move on without Sousuke. That's too much like blaming Makoto or even blaming Rin. He doesn't expect him to stay in a holding pattern just because Sousuke didn't get kidnapped at the same time but that doesn't make the truth hurt any less.
He shakes his head at the comparison to Nanase. It's not the same. His voice is more hostile when he answers this time because this whole, 'we feel the same way,' thing has got to go. Tachibana doesn't know.]
Come talk to me when Nanase stops speaking to you for five years. When you get left trying to follow when you can't even see where he went.
[but his voice wavers, falls into a murmur, when sousuke continues; makes it clear that he knows exactly what is wrong and that he doesn't need makoto holding his hand through the process. that's not how sousuke works.]
[so it feels distant, what he's giving; it feels small, what he knows. he knows plenty--but sousuke yamazaki, as he's come in this time, a turmoil of emotions, is not one of the many things he knows.]
[makoto knows this is an invitation to shut up and go away, because makoto can't possibly understand. so instead, he changes gears.]
...then, Rin being here three years without you, from your point of view, it's ... just the same as before. [it's not anyone's fault this time, though] But, Rin wanted you to be here, all these years. He always looked for you at the start of each month. He doesn't want you not to follow him this time.
[It would be much easier if he could accept a hand to hold other than Rin's, but right now he won't even ask for that much. Sousuke's never been one to ask for help or let on that he needs much of anything and a situation like this is only prone to make him more determined to be self-sufficient. He can't just put Salonpas on this and brute force it, though. Something's going to have to give.
He finally looks up when Tachibana draws the comparison between Australia and here. That's the more telling one and the look on Sousuke's face--wary but attentive and surprised--may be just enough to let Tachibana know he's scored a direct hit. There's no one who could make him believe Rin wanted him there in Australia, not even Rin, but this... this he wants to believe and Tachibana's got no reason to lie. Telling him this doesn't guarantee he'll like him any more, it only serves to ease the ache in his chest about Rin.
When he repeats himself it's no longer dismissive or combative. Sousuke just sounds resigned. It's a place he's learned to be comfortable, resignation. There is only so much he can control from inside his walls, after all.]
[but this is what sousuke feels, and makoto doesn't want him to think that makoto is belittling what he is experiencing. instead, his shoulders slump as makoto uncrosses his arms, a more open positioning of himself, as he uses his hands as he speaks.]
Perhaps--for certain things, you're right, but... It's not over. Our lives are about to start a new path, whatever it is we decide to do with it. Even being here, it's new. We have to adjust and find ways to continue living that makes sense if we were back home.
[for makoto, it's the flowershop, and coaching p.e. classes; it's moving in with rin. for sousuke... makoto can only hope he finds something.]
I'm sure you want to be part of Rin's future here as much as back home. So--is it, really hard, to be a part of it? He'll want you to be at his side... and, no matter what he and I have, I want you to be there with Rin too.
[perhaps the most telling thing that makoto and rin have been dating for over a year is makoto's more assertive words and opinions. sousuke might catch on.]
[Of course Tachibana doesn't think he's too late. Tachibana's been here the entire time. Sousuke's about to tell him as much when instead, he concedes the point. It's extremely difficult to stay angry around someone this reasonable. It's probably yet another thing that makes Tachibana and Rin well-suited.
Sousuke sighs, long and soft, and looks back down at his hands. He thought he'd made his peace with not having a place at Rin's side anymore, even if Rin himself hadn't. This is rekindling a kind of hope, though. There's no world stage here which means the path on which Sousuke would have stayed behind is, at the very least, different for Rin than it would have been. Maybe he can find a way to stay on it with him longer. Even if Tachibana is on the other side... that's where Rin wants him. It's not exactly a bad place to be.]
If there's a place for me...
[Rin was a gaping hole in Sousuke's life for too long. He doesn't want to do the same thing to him. He's missed so many chances but maybe, maybe he doesn't have to miss any more.]
[tension seems to lift from the air a little, and makoto allows himself to smile slightly, even if sousuke still seems to have a lot on his mind to go through. it's a step in the right direction at least, or so he hopes, and so long as sousuke remains positive and aiming towards the light, he won't get lost so easily.]
Of course there is. Rin and I make enough time for our own things and our friends, it's not like I'm taking all of his time. I want you to feel comfortable being with Rin, and, maybe [shoulders shrug] with me too? --I would like to try being friends, some time.
[he walks closer but remains at a distance, reaching his hand out for--a hand shake, or helping sousuke get up from the bench.]
If that's alright with you.
[he waits a moment, before adding:] You're important to us all, anyway. Rin and Gou more so, but...
[it's understood, isn't it? they're a team here, no matter what.]
[It's not going to be the easiest thing he's ever done. He grieved for his future with Rin but he thought he'd laid it to rest. Having new blood flowing into that dream is going to sting for a while, all pins and needles, but maybe he can make something of it. It'll be different but it'll be alive.
Sousuke looks at Makoto's hand for a long time before finally reaching forward. He does feel comfortable with Rin unless he lets himself get too deep into his own head. He'll have the time here he needs to earn his spot back, but at least he can do so knowing it's been saved for him. As to the other part, well.]
You were friends with me before, weren't you.
[It's not really a question. He accepts the help to his feet, but from their earlier conversations and the easy way Tachibana tried to invite him to dinner, it's clear there was a different expectation here. Sousuke's not sure he can live up to that; he's not sure what was different before, though he suspects the dating may have been part of it. Either way, though, it's something he's been curious about, what things were like with Tachibana before.
He's not sure how to reply to assertions about his importance. It's nice to hear, but he hasn't earned it yet, so for now he just nods. More things that necessitate taking Tachibana at his word.]
[makoto's glad for the accepted invitation for physical contact (something rin has taught him, over time), and makoto feels that much more at ease now. he does his best to give sousuke his space, because that's something makoto can understand painfully well about the older teen.]
We... used to be, yeah.
[and it's almost crystal clear that sousuke is partly curious about it]
It took us some time to get on the right footing, but eventually we started hanging out a bit and, just doing things. I won't expect that from you now though. If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't--that's just life, right?
[...]
At least when it comes to Rin, I hope we can get along still. Not for his sake, but because it'd be nicer if you felt comfortable hanging out with him when I'm there, too.
[that makes sense, doesn't it? it's a reasonable thing to aim for.]
[Sousuke's not sure what to make of the helping hand up except that it's so obviously a Tachibana thing to do. He'd never attribute that to Rin. Not that Rin doesn't help people up in his way, but the easy offering of a hand to someone who'd so recently been cold... that's one hundred percent Tachibana.
He listens as the past is described to him, thinking about what Nanase'd said about just believing it. It sounds about right, though, for all that is also sounds a lot easier than things have been this time. He's aware of the expectations now, at least, and it feels like living up to them or not is up to him.
He might like to. Tachibana's not a bad guy. This would all have been easier if he were, but instead he's the kind of person Sousuke can imagine he might be able to be friends with. In time.
He nods again.]
That shouldn't be a problem. I'm not here to make waves.
[It's what he's been trying to avoid by just shutting up, after all. Now that most of it's out in the open, it should be even easier. There will be eggshells for a while but even that's easier than nothing.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Re: action, weekend
[If, say, you needed to not let people see just how hard you were working. It meant he did spend a fair amount of time off campus training, something he hasn't really admitted much.
Sousuke looks over at Tachibana when he mentions Rin. He's quiet for a long moment--it's not Tachibana's fault--but he does eventually answer.]
I'll make sure he knows, but he's already pretty happy here.
[It sounds heavier than he means for it to but the way he turns and faces forward again might betray that there's authentic sentiment in that statement. Embarrassing, letting on how important Rin's happiness is to him to the person most responsible for it.]
It seems like a social centre as much as an athletic one sometimes, yeah. [Pause. Still looking forward.] Rin's probably happy about that too.
Re: action, weekend
I read something like that on the pamphlets for Tokyo U. There's a lot of options outside of campus, so the city itself also offers opportunities for training and studying...
[it's a topic he's excited about. moving forward towards the future.]
[(which, in retrospect, might be unfair to sousuke)]
Re: action, weekend
[and since things seem stable, even with rin a nuclear topic of their conversation, makoto tests waters.]
You know he likes to have control of things, so the sports centre has helped him feel balanced about it. I mean, he hasn't said it, but it's the impression I get. He used to have a harder time when he was first starting to get this place up and running.
Re: action, weekend
Yeah, there's a lot going on.
[MOVING ON.
Rin is easier, at least talking like this. Rin's controlling tendencies, his struggles when he's not immediately the best at something... that stuff's timeless.]
Probably. He's happy here so something much be going right and he always does better when he has a project.
Re: action, weekend
I think surrounding himself with other athletes really feeds him good vibes, especially since there isn't an international stage here. He struggled a lot for a couple of months, but... then a lot of people started showing up? Volleyball players, basketball players, and now baseball players... It gave him something to do. And, besides, seeing new faces from around Japan really helps put things into perspective.
[like learning how other teams manage themselves, or athletes with similar goals, even the familiarity of being in a team.]
[it's easier to feel better when you're not the only one who seems to be drowning from lack of purpose. hopefully sousuke, too, would at some point find something similar in this place. even if swimming is out of the question currently.]
And then, Gou came too. As did Nitori, and Momo. And now you're finally here. I think that motivates him the most.
Re: action, weekend
He didn't mention keeping busy when we talked but he's got a way of making himself the center of things even if he still thinks he's being selfish.
[Only Rin would build a sports centre so he could keep chasing his dream while also making it possible for anyone else with an athletic dream to do so. Just because you don't see yourself as a magnetic leader doesn't mean you aren't one. And for people without athletic dreams, well, it's nice to have a place to work out still.
Sousuke's eyes find a fixed point somewhere on the wall in front of him before he replies.]
He was plenty motivated before I showed up.
[And as soon as he says it he regrets it so that's the end of his run. That was too much, he let himself get too comfortable and now he's feeling incredibly exposed to someone he's not sure he wants to ever be that open with. He stops the machine, grabs his water bottle and starts to go.]
Re: action, weekend
[makoto moves out of the way as sousuke abruptly ends his workout on the treadmill. something inside his chest tightens, between worry and nervousness, because this is just something else that is too similar to their past conversations.]
[that is, ever since sousuke found out about makoto dating rin...]
So-Sousuke! Uhm, ah, I-- I realise you're unhappy with me. [makoto isn't stupid] And I just, get this terrible feeling that it's because of... Rin... I won't tell on you, if that's something you're worried about. I was just hoping we could, sort this out? If I did something, I want to apologise.
[he sounds unsure, but he also sounds determined in bringing up this topic]
Re: action, weekend
So naturally that's not what happens.
Sousuke considers himself an honest guy. Lying to Rin about his future was the biggest lie he's ever told, and if it hadn't been for the reasons it was, he could never have done it. Other than that, Sousuke prides himself on not dealing in bullshit, but it makes situations like this hard. He could smooth it all over if he would just lie. 'Yes, you pissed me off, here's how, apologize.' But it's not that simple.
He looks over at Tachibana finally, looking more tired and resigned than angry. It always ends up like this. At least it was easy to stay angry at Nanase.]
You haven't done anything wrong and you don't have anything to apologize for.
[He knows he ought to follow that up with a bigger explanation for why he's behaving like this. For now, though, he simply doesn't. Retreating back to a place of honesty's given him a little bit of cover, too. Sousuke doesn't want to sacrifice that yet.]
Re: action, weekend
[sousuke's words are sincere, but makoto doesn't buy it. he doesn't believe that there is nothing wrong, because something must be. they used to get along before, even before they were on first name basis, even if their interactions were minimal. and even so, when sousuke first arrived this time around, they were getting along fine.]
[the cold came abruptly, some time in between.]
[makoto tries reaching out with a hand, but ends up keeping it himself halfway through the motion, holding instead onto the front of his shirt, as if unsure on where to place himself.]
If I said anything, that... that implied your shoulder, or swimming, or... [he's shooting down at things he could have done to annoy sousuke with] I want to make things right...
Re: action, weekend
He can't help but be surprised when Tachibana asks if it's about his shoulder, though. Of all the things to land on as a possible source for this... If only it was that simple. His feelings about his shoulder and swimming in general are pretty straightforward at this point. That'd be easy.]
It's not that.
[Sousuke glances around. The room's empty except for the two of them but he still feels too defenseless and vulnerable here. Anybody could walk in. Rin could walk in.]
I'm not doing this here. If you want to know, come on.
[And he's walking, out the door and in the direction of the locker room. It's not really a better option but it's more familiar than being in here and he can keep a better eye on the door if he has to. Plus, it buys him time to figure out what, if any, kind of answer he's going to give.]
Re: action, weekend
[he walks into the locker room after sousuke and waits for the door to close heavily behind him, as it usually does, and stops two steps inside, his mind going through everything that could be wrong between them.]
--are you sure about this, Sousuke?
[because, in the end, makoto is aware that some things are hard to put into words, and that perhaps by walking here, makoto has put more pressure onto a wound that has had no time to sear closed to stop the bleeding.]
Re: action, weekend
Once they're inside, Sousuke sits heavily on a bench where he can still see the door. The short walk didn't give him enough time to come up with anything other than the truth, but how is he going to make that make sense without completely exposing himself?]
No, I'm not.
[He'll have to see just how much Tachibana insists on knowing. Maybe it'll help to have some of this out; ever since talking to Rin it's felt like his skin doesn't quite fit. Everything feels wrong. This feeling is exactly what he worked so hard at home to escape from and now here it hit him harder than ever.
He's staring down at his hands, still trying to figure the words out.]
You have no idea how important Rin is.
Re: action, weekend
[makoto is, in a way, intruding.]
[which is why he stands awkwardly near a locker, not quite leaning against it, arms crossed in uncertainty.]
--I don't.
[which is why his words, though perhaps contradictory to what makoto has with rin, are genuinely sincere. it doesn't cross his mind that perhaps he should be angry at the insinuation, but truth holds on to the fact that whatever rin and sousuke have gone through it is completely different to what makoto knows; to what makoto has with haru, his best friend--to rin, his boyfriend.]
I can try to understand it if I look at what I have with Haru to what you have with Rin, but it isn't the same. [there are gaps in what makoto knows. he speaks softly, not raising his voice more than necessary, because this isn't about what makoto can put together--but about what sousuke can put into words.] You're... You're part of Rin's family.
[(and the compare and contrast doesn't become about rin and sousuke vs rin and makoto, but rather to what they have for best friends.)]
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[but rin's family will never stop growing; that's a fact they all have to get used to. from lori and russell, to a father unforgotten who lies by the sea, to a mother and sister, to his samezuka team, iwatobi's team--to kotetsu and kaede, to the brother rin finds in sousuke, to those rin will compete and train with and will become his olympic family.]
[they all knew what they signed up for.]
[but what does it mean to sousuke, to be an important part of rin's nuclear family? it must be big.]
It's like that for you too, isn't it?
[a boy who seems well put together, but who seems so lonely in comparison. rin's family is big, but sousuke's is a quiet whisper of people who exist but don't actually colour nor shape his life as much as the matsuoka family does.]
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Of course, that didn't stop Tachibana. Whether he's too perceptive for his own good (for Sousuke's good) or whether he's just so single-minded that he turns everything into family, he hits extremely close to home. It's not that Sousuke doesn't appreciate his own parents but for as long as he could remember, the Matsuoka house and then later simply wherever Rin was, that was home. That meant without Rin, he ended up lonely, homeless, and unable to admit it because the only one he'd ever say so to was Rin himself.
That's not about to change today. Just because Tachibana's right--just because the thing Sousuke's the most afraid of in this is becoming irrelevant to Rin through the presence of so many important others--doesn't mean he's going to be able to tell him so. In fact, the accuracy of Tachibana's perception makes Sousuke recoil internally. There's a telling new stiffness in his shoulders but otherwise no real change as Makoto speaks. He certainly doesn't look up.]
Everybody leaves the nest eventually.
[He can't blame Tachibana or Rin or anybody for this, it's just the natural progress of time. People grow up, leave their family. Fly away.
Provided they've got two working wings, anyway. Sousuke wouldn't know about that.]
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...Rin's not planning a future without you.
[the words come out after some internal struggle, makoto unsure of whether it is his place to say this. all this started when sousuke found out makoto was dating rin. makoto feels empathetic, a cold pain coursing through him; it's just like when rin first came back from australia on their first year of high school and haru came back to 'life,' so to speak--despite the work that makoto was doing over the years to keep his best friend from floundering.]
He's not going to reach new heights without you.
[sousuke should know better, is what makoto thinks, because rin is never one to push others away if they're no longer "useful" to him. family is forever, and blood runs quicker in water. they've swam together for so long to be disconnected now.]
[and so makoto sighs.]
I'm... I'm always afraid Haru's going to go where I can't follow. Well--he kind of is, isn't he? With swimming competitively... I can't follow at his side...
[that feeling of being left behind, it's not uncommon. it's not specific to yamazaki sousuke--and it's something he needs to, know. he makes waters as murky as he wants them to be.]
Just like Rin.
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It doesn't matter what he's planning. He already has reached those heights. I'm too late again.
[And he bites off whatever else he was going say about Rin's time here because sure, that hasn't pushed him to new heights of athleticism but it has given Rin a space to move on without Sousuke. That's too much like blaming Makoto or even blaming Rin. He doesn't expect him to stay in a holding pattern just because Sousuke didn't get kidnapped at the same time but that doesn't make the truth hurt any less.
He shakes his head at the comparison to Nanase. It's not the same. His voice is more hostile when he answers this time because this whole, 'we feel the same way,' thing has got to go. Tachibana doesn't know.]
Come talk to me when Nanase stops speaking to you for five years. When you get left trying to follow when you can't even see where he went.
Just like Rin.
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[but his voice wavers, falls into a murmur, when sousuke continues; makes it clear that he knows exactly what is wrong and that he doesn't need makoto holding his hand through the process. that's not how sousuke works.]
[so it feels distant, what he's giving; it feels small, what he knows. he knows plenty--but sousuke yamazaki, as he's come in this time, a turmoil of emotions, is not one of the many things he knows.]
[makoto knows this is an invitation to shut up and go away, because makoto can't possibly understand. so instead, he changes gears.]
...then, Rin being here three years without you, from your point of view, it's ... just the same as before. [it's not anyone's fault this time, though] But, Rin wanted you to be here, all these years. He always looked for you at the start of each month. He doesn't want you not to follow him this time.
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He finally looks up when Tachibana draws the comparison between Australia and here. That's the more telling one and the look on Sousuke's face--wary but attentive and surprised--may be just enough to let Tachibana know he's scored a direct hit. There's no one who could make him believe Rin wanted him there in Australia, not even Rin, but this... this he wants to believe and Tachibana's got no reason to lie. Telling him this doesn't guarantee he'll like him any more, it only serves to ease the ache in his chest about Rin.
When he repeats himself it's no longer dismissive or combative. Sousuke just sounds resigned. It's a place he's learned to be comfortable, resignation. There is only so much he can control from inside his walls, after all.]
I'm too late.
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[but this is what sousuke feels, and makoto doesn't want him to think that makoto is belittling what he is experiencing. instead, his shoulders slump as makoto uncrosses his arms, a more open positioning of himself, as he uses his hands as he speaks.]
Perhaps--for certain things, you're right, but... It's not over. Our lives are about to start a new path, whatever it is we decide to do with it. Even being here, it's new. We have to adjust and find ways to continue living that makes sense if we were back home.
[for makoto, it's the flowershop, and coaching p.e. classes; it's moving in with rin. for sousuke... makoto can only hope he finds something.]
I'm sure you want to be part of Rin's future here as much as back home. So--is it, really hard, to be a part of it? He'll want you to be at his side... and, no matter what he and I have, I want you to be there with Rin too.
[perhaps the most telling thing that makoto and rin have been dating for over a year is makoto's more assertive words and opinions. sousuke might catch on.]
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Sousuke sighs, long and soft, and looks back down at his hands. He thought he'd made his peace with not having a place at Rin's side anymore, even if Rin himself hadn't. This is rekindling a kind of hope, though. There's no world stage here which means the path on which Sousuke would have stayed behind is, at the very least, different for Rin than it would have been. Maybe he can find a way to stay on it with him longer. Even if Tachibana is on the other side... that's where Rin wants him. It's not exactly a bad place to be.]
If there's a place for me...
[Rin was a gaping hole in Sousuke's life for too long. He doesn't want to do the same thing to him. He's missed so many chances but maybe, maybe he doesn't have to miss any more.]
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Of course there is. Rin and I make enough time for our own things and our friends, it's not like I'm taking all of his time. I want you to feel comfortable being with Rin, and, maybe [shoulders shrug] with me too? --I would like to try being friends, some time.
[he walks closer but remains at a distance, reaching his hand out for--a hand shake, or helping sousuke get up from the bench.]
If that's alright with you.
[he waits a moment, before adding:] You're important to us all, anyway. Rin and Gou more so, but...
[it's understood, isn't it? they're a team here, no matter what.]
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Sousuke looks at Makoto's hand for a long time before finally reaching forward. He does feel comfortable with Rin unless he lets himself get too deep into his own head. He'll have the time here he needs to earn his spot back, but at least he can do so knowing it's been saved for him. As to the other part, well.]
You were friends with me before, weren't you.
[It's not really a question. He accepts the help to his feet, but from their earlier conversations and the easy way Tachibana tried to invite him to dinner, it's clear there was a different expectation here. Sousuke's not sure he can live up to that; he's not sure what was different before, though he suspects the dating may have been part of it. Either way, though, it's something he's been curious about, what things were like with Tachibana before.
He's not sure how to reply to assertions about his importance. It's nice to hear, but he hasn't earned it yet, so for now he just nods. More things that necessitate taking Tachibana at his word.]
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We... used to be, yeah.
[and it's almost crystal clear that sousuke is partly curious about it]
It took us some time to get on the right footing, but eventually we started hanging out a bit and, just doing things. I won't expect that from you now though. If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't--that's just life, right?
[...]
At least when it comes to Rin, I hope we can get along still. Not for his sake, but because it'd be nicer if you felt comfortable hanging out with him when I'm there, too.
[that makes sense, doesn't it? it's a reasonable thing to aim for.]
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He listens as the past is described to him, thinking about what Nanase'd said about just believing it. It sounds about right, though, for all that is also sounds a lot easier than things have been this time. He's aware of the expectations now, at least, and it feels like living up to them or not is up to him.
He might like to. Tachibana's not a bad guy. This would all have been easier if he were, but instead he's the kind of person Sousuke can imagine he might be able to be friends with. In time.
He nods again.]
That shouldn't be a problem. I'm not here to make waves.
[It's what he's been trying to avoid by just shutting up, after all. Now that most of it's out in the open, it should be even easier. There will be eggshells for a while but even that's easier than nothing.]
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